Dealing With Setbacks

5 Questions To Help You Face Discomfort

Dealing with setbacks is not something that comes naturally to most of us.

We all struggle and strive to attain health, wealth and personal happiness. Yet these are the three big areas are where - sooner or later - we all get severely tested...

• The job that you thought you were going to get, and that you wanted so much, went to someone else.
• The business deal you were about to complete, and that means so much to your future and financial security, has failed for reasons beyond your control.
• The promised financial support for your sick child has not come through.
• Your partner has just told you that they want to end your relationship.
• Recent medical tests have just confirmed that you have cancer.

If you are experiencing any of these things and having a really tough time right now, I feel for you in these hard times.

The purpose of this article is help you to take a step back from whatever it is you are struggling with right now, and to gain some insight and practical resources for dealing with setbacks and to help you step off this ferris wheel of suffering.

Your natural response to cognitive shock

From an evolutionary standpoint, you are wired to avoid pain and seek safety and predictability.

Setbacks often signal danger, failure, or loss - all of which can trigger stress responses. Fight, flight, or freeze reactions may be activated even in non-physical threats like losing a job or failing an exam.

Setbacks challenge your instinctual desire for control and comfort, making it unnatural to respond with calm or acceptance.

The reason for these instinct driven responses is "cognitive shock" which occurs as your conceptual, thinking brain tends to stop working and you just can’t think clearly.

During cognitive shock, your “old” brain, which is based on survival and defense, takes over, and these emotions can cloud judgment and intensify your perceptions of the setback.

The solution

However the good news is that your brain is sufficiently evolved to provide you with the mental resources to handle all this, but it does take conscious effort and acquired skills to pause, reflect, and respond constructively and resourcefully.

These are not automatic traits but cultivated skills

Dealing With Setbacks

These 5 questions are based on the zen practice of mindfulness and stoic philosophy and they are as follows:

1. What's really happening right now? 
2. Can I see this obstacle as the way?
3. What is my body telling me about this?
4. What Is my deepest belief about this situation? 
5. Can I Just Live With This?

We are going to look at each of these questions from a practical perspective.

Firstly we will look at the situation and context addressed by the question, then we list a few key anchor points to provide a foundation and framework.

Then, if relevant, we will look at a brief outline of how and why your natural instinctual response happens in the way that it does. This is important because if you know how and why your brain works the way it does it becomes easier to work with it as you train it in new skills.

The review of each question will conclude with practical action steps and links to further resources on Zen Tools and recommended third party sources. [For new readers, and to be very clear, there is absolutely nothing on sale here!]

As you may know if you are familiar with my material, I have no interest in idle philosophical speculations or in shooting the breeze. I do not write to entertain readers as they sip their mid-morning coffee.

My sole purpose in this article [and all other articles on Zen-Tools] is to offer practical resources based on my own direct experiences.

This article is for the one in thousand readers who will actually put this into practice, transform their capacity for dealing with setbacks and live a calm, centred and peaceful life.

[1] What's Really Happening Right Now?

The first question to consider when dealing with setbacks is to get you to see clearly the difference between your view of what is happening - the story you are telling yourself - and the actual facts of the situation.

Your view of what is happening is distorted by what you’re adding to the situation, through the stories you are weaving around it.

Dropping your story is essential to becoming aware of what is actually happening in the present moment.

It is also essential because it releases you from so much of the distress and discomfort that you inflict upon yourself with these stories.

You need to see the storyline for what it is and stop rehashing it over and over with your believed thoughts, since all it does is sustain and solidify your painful experience and especially your self-justifications and attributions of blame.

This first question - What's really happening right now? - is the start point to breaking the poisonous loop of your stories.

But to do this, we have to be able to see the story and in order to do that we need to:

1. Understand how and why we create these stories.
2. Know how to create a gap in your stream of thoughts. 
   
3. Know how to work with your brain and create a storyline that is empowering rather than the negative destructive one you are currently running.

Anchor points

• What matters is not the content of your thoughts but your relationship with your thoughts.
• The way forward, learning how to drop the story you tell yourself about what is happening, is not to deny or resist what your brain is doing, but to work with it.
• Separate events from how you interpret them.
• Being careful how you frame things. Where you do offer interpretations, do so from the position of future possibility not past experience.
• The voice with which you choose to speak your story matters because it carries the emotional tone and energetic charge that will empower you or undermine you. It is a choice.

In summary:

How It Happens

The stories we tell ourselves when we are dealing with setbacks are emotionally driven and very largely reactive to events and situations. They are a form of self talk.

In simple terms, how and and why you create the negative and limiting stories that you tell yourself is the the function of two different parts of your brain.

The "how" is to do with the software in your head. The human brain has evolved a wide range of modules which filter, interpret and explain and interpret what's going on in the world around us and their primary purpose is to help us survive.

The stories are largely the result of one of these modules that neuroscientist Dr. Michael Gazzaniga describes as "The Interpreter" as it seeks explanations and explains causality in what is happening in the events that we see and experience, and then it provides us with an end-to-end narrative of what has happened and why.

The "why" is provided by a hardware component - that is the same hardware as your Paleolithic ancestors had, and 98% of your thinking comes from this part of your brain and it is unconscious, automatic and impulsive.

So when these two elements work together, the software part of your brain [your interpreter] must deal with what it’s given by the hardware [your amygdala] and here's the rub, it can be tricked and manipulated, Gazzaniga calls this “hijacking”.

This means that the interpreter  -  the story telling mechanism - in your brain gets hijacked in many ways.

The takeaway from all this is that:

• You can't help telling yourself stories, and you can't stop it, it's how your brain is wired.
  
• Your brain has a negativity bias. Negative emotions elicit a much larger response in the brain than positive ones which is why we give more weight and attention to negative experiences and emotions.
  
• Its not your fault that your stories get hijacked and become so negative, this is your brain seeing and responding to what it sees as real or potential threats.

Practical Action Steps

Creating A Gap

When you are dealing with setbacks and you feel overwhelmed by the storm of your discomfort, one of the most effective means for coping is to just stop and take several conscious breaths and allow space into your troubled mind.

• Stop thinking - you can't think your way out of this one - just focus all of your attention on your breathing - notice and feel the sensation of your in-breath and out-breath - focus on 5 cycles of breaths.
• Focus 100% on this present moment, right now.

Then, if you feel able, take this next step. [Don't worry if this seems too much as I will go into this in more depth in Question 5 below.]

• In this present moment accept what is happening and how you feel about it NOW: "I accept this situation... I accept that I am feeling...."

Take a few minutes throughout the day and repeat this simple practice and unhook yourself from your monkey mind, with all it's worrying and obsessing.

When you are washing the dishes, or putting out the trash, or driving your car, just create a gap in your thoughts. Take several conscious breaths. Just pause. Pema Chodron describes this as being like popping a bubble:

• "Let it be a contrast to being all caught up.
• Let it be like popping a bubble.
• Let it be just a moment in time, and then go on.
• Every time you do this you are creating a gap."

The key to dealing with setbacks is practice.

Rewriting The Story

In their unfiltered state most of the stories that we tell ourselves will be negative and these will be ego based and thus by definition self-serving. These are the stories that will undermine you.

The bad news is that your brain is wired to give more weight and attention to negative experiences and emotions and it registers negative stimuli more easily than positive events.

The good news is that you can change negative biases that show up in the stories you tell yourself. It requires conscious effort and repetition, but it can be done if you work at it.

The technical reason why this is possible is neuroplasticity - the ability of your brain to reorganize itself, create new pathways, and dismantle habits and behaviours that are no longer serving you.

The truth of the stories we tell ourselves is subjective, it is whatever we want it to be.

• What matters is the energy - the dominant underlying emotion - behind the story.
• It is that energy that will be stored in our mind.
• It is that energy that will form the lens through which we interpret the events of that story and all future similar events.

• The stories that we tell ourselves are a matter of choice.
• A story framed with a positive energy of inspiration, creativity and power transcends the limited, self-serving voices of  your egoic self. Here is a personal example.
  
• One of the keys to dealing with setbacks is to understand and use the power of framing.

2. Can I See This Obstacle As The Way?

When you are dealing with setbacks this second question is intended to help you realise that you are facing a binary choice:

1. Continue to resist it and stay stuck, or 
2. Accept it's existence and reframe it as a catalyst for action and growth, and then the pathway to success.

Reality is what is true. The truth is whatever is in front of you right now. For example, whether you like it or not, it’s raining now. “It shouldn’t be raining” is just a thought.

In reality, there is no such thing as a “should” or a “shouldn’t”. These are only judgements - thoughts -  that we project onto reality.

Anchor Points

• Chaos, disorder and decay is the natural order of things.
• Nothing has any intrinsic meaning of itself other than that which you choose to give it.
• If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.
• When you are unable to change a situation change yourself.
• As one of very many small moving parts within the complex system that is life, how you are is as important as what you do.

A Framework For Action

Our framework for the appropriate action to take in the face of obstacles and dealing with set backs is drawn from 2 key ideas from Stoic philosophy:

1. The Dichotomy Of Control - focus on things you can control and ignore the rest.
2. Turn Adversity Into Advantage - what stands in the way becomes the way.

These two stoic themes are co-related, the first is a declaration of choice - the choice to manage your response to events, and the second establishes your point of focus - facing the adversity and transmuting it into an advantage.

The Dichotomy Of Control

The Stoic idea of the dichotomy of control" contrasts two very different approaches to control.

Modern psychologists position this as (a) an “internal locus of control” and (b) an “external locus of control.”

If you have an internal locus of control you will most likely believe that you are responsible for most of what happens in your life. You focus on what you could do better or what you can influence in pursuing your goals.

The consequence of this is that your response to events determines the outcomes you experience in your life. I refer to this as the law of response and outcome and this is one of the guiding principles of the material and resources on this site.

In contrast, if you have an external locus of control you believe that external factors, such as luck, fate, or other people, are primarily responsible for the outcomes of events in your life, rather than your own actions and efforts.

So you will tend to blame others for your problems, find excuses to not pursue your goals, and generally live a frustrated and unfulfilled life.

Evidence show that if you have an internal locus of control there is greater likelihood of you being happier, less anxious, able to make better decisions and accomplish more of your goals.

So in summary:

Turning Adversity Into Advantage

This idea is attributed to Marcus Aurelius and as he put it nearly 2000 years ago: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

Marcus argues that obstacles in life are not roadblocks but opportunities for growth and success, and that by reframing challenges as chances to improve, exercising discipline in action, and cultivating a strong will, individuals can transform adversity into triumph.

It is invitable that you will find yourself dealing with setbacks, hold ups, road blocks and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. That is the nature of life. It is designed to sort out the truly committed from the waverers.

The attrition factor is what wears so many people down and causes them to "throw in the towel". Be prepared for this and accept it.

Here is my list of some of the fundamentals that form the basis of what is involved in consciously selecting what you choose to focus on.

One final observation, based on many years of past experience:

3. What Is My Body Telling Me About This?

This question can also be supported by the supplementary question: "What is my felt sense of this moment?"

The importance of this question is that it can’t be answered by the thinking mind.

• Emotion is your body's reaction to your mind. 
• The body will always reflect the truth of your state of mind.

The measure of how you are dealing with setbacks comes from entering directly into the immediate, physical experience of the present moment.

There is a very powerful connection between your body and your mind.

Your mind is the repository of all of your pre-programmed reactions and response patterns.

Your body is the vehicle through which your emotional reactions arise and are expressed.

Right now:

• Become aware of your physical posture.
• Feel the overall quality of physical sensations in your body.
• Feel the tension in your face, chest, and stomach.
• Feel your body breathing in and out
  
• Feel the energy in your body. 

What is your body telling you about your response to the obstacles you are facing?

Anchor Points

• A strong body response to tough times is always predictable and should be fully anticipated.
• Don't ignore or attempt to suppress the feelings that arise, and don't allow yourself to become identified with them.
•  If you are struggling to bring your unconscious mental activity into conscious awareness as thoughts, pay very close attention to your emotions.
  
• Your unconscious thoughts are always reflected in your body as emotions.
• If there is an apparent conflict between them, the thought will be the lie, the emotion will be the truth.
  

A Framework For Action

When we go through tough times and are dealing with setbacks we generate a lot of emotion and the "body and mind" effect of this can be quite overwhelming.

I know from my own personal experience that learning how to anticipate and manage my own responses to difficult situations is hard work.

In the article "This Too Shall Pass" I have shared an anecdote about how I learned to deal with a particularly stressful business on a large project I was involved with a number of years ago.

These were the key lessons I learned:

1. A strong body response to tough times is highly likely so expect it.
2. Allow your feelings to arise, but don't ignore or suppress them, and don't become identified with them.
3. Regularly remind yourself that: "This too will pass". Realise that these angry and defensive states arise automatically but if you just sit with them and observe them, without engaging with them for about 24 hours, they will pass.

The late great Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh summarised this beautifully:

"A feeling or an emotion arises, persists, and then disappears. Mindfulness enables us to be calm throughout the appearance and disappearance of feelings.

To acknowledge feelings with an even mind is the very best way; while we are acknowledging them in mindfulness, slowly, slowly we come to a deep realisation of their nature.

It is that insight which will enable us to be free and at ease as we face each feeling." [The Blooming of a Lotus]

Practical Actions Steps

4. What Is My Deepest Belief About This Situation?

This question is very closely related to the previous question about what your body is telling you about this situation.

Why do your beliefs matter? Because deeply associated with each belief is an emotional or energy state and emotional energy is the language of your inner thoughts.

• But, most of what you think is outside of your conscious awareness. This creates a problem and you can get stuck with this question because as Carl Jung said:
• “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
• And it is quite possible that some of your unconscious thinking is resistant to dealing with setbacks and the obstacles that you are facing.

For example, someone's deeply believed beliefs of personal insecurity may not be evident to them - until the poisonous footprint of these beliefs shows itself in the person's anger, blame, depression, and shame.

These hidden beliefs act like radar, and cause the person to seek out experiences that confirm these beliefs as true.

So, if you buy into the view that over time, what you focus your mind on becomes your reality, then it is important that you understand what your true point of focus is.

Here's how you can tell your true point of focus:

1. How you are feeling - your answer to the previous question will help you with this, and in summary, if you have a bad feeling you are most likely unconsciously focusing on what you don’t want and what you are trying to avoid.
2. Your results - if you are dealing with setbacks and obstacles and it isn't working and you aren't making progress, it's quite possibly because you're focusing on what you don't want in that area.

Anchor Points

• Over time, what you focus your mind on becomes your reality.
• Beliefs, unconscious or not, are shaping the outcomes in your life because they determine your response to the events in your life.
• Until the negative beliefs that drive your response to these events are released, the outcomes won't change and you will remain on the ferris wheel of suffering.

How It Happens

The root cause of focusing on what you don't want is previous bad experiences and in some instances trauma.

So when you find yourself dealing with setbacks and obstacles your inner dialogue runs along the lines of: "Here we go again, same old s**t as last time, I really can't be bothered with this...".

Or, if the present day situation triggers a past unresolved trauma, then the inner dialogue is: ""There's danger out there, and I have to avoid it."

There are a number of models that attempt to offer an explanation as how these negative and resistant beliefs are created and, more importantly, how to deal with them - specifically  models such as CBT, ACT, CFT, DBT, Schema Therapy etc that are particularly effective when applied by clinical psychologists and other specialists in a therapeutic setting.

I have found the "Immunity To Change" model helpful.

I know that it may not represent the most current leading edge thinking on this subject, but in my view, this is a simple powerful tool for understanding and resolving why we so often find it so hard to achieve our goals for personal change.

In the context of dealing with setbacks and obstacles this model proposes that your resistance isn’t the result of a lack of will-power, it’s your "emotional immune system" trying to protect you and keep you safe.

This model defines immunity to change as a prior "hidden commitment", with an underlying root cause, that competes and conflicts with a stated commitment to change.

It proposes that it is these hidden commitments that cause people to not change and to fail to realise their best intentions.

Put simply, it is these hidden commitments that cause us to not keep New Year resolutions, to fail with diets, to not stop smoking etc.

Practical Action Steps

Immunity to Change Resources

• The Real Reason Why People Won't Change
• A Four Step Process For Immunity To Change & Lasting Change
• Exercise Activity Guide
• Immunity to Change Diagnostic Test

Mindfulness

The practice of mindfulness will help you stop focusing unconsciously and automatically, and empower you to intentionally shift your point of focus onto what you do want.

• Freeing Yourself From Your Mind - 6 Key Practices From Eckhart Tolle
• How To Practise Mindfulness - Be Humble, Just Do This Simple Thing

5. Can I Just Live With This?

This question is challenging because our natural impulse is to seek  comfort and to fix or remove or suppress the unwelcome and unpleasant feeling that arise when we are dealing with setbacks.

The fundamental reason why you feel so bad and why you can't resolve or remove these feelings is because you identify with your emotions.

There is a simple yet extremely powerful mindfulness practise that will release you from the powerful hold of these negative emotions and free you to respond in life in a more flexible way.

There is one word in amongst the other one million words on this Zen-Tools website that does have the power to change you and to transform your life - if you choose to act upon it

• This one word describes one simple teaching and one powerful practice.
• That word is acceptance.

Anchor Points

• The problem arises because your "thinking mind" and your "observing mind" get fused.
• As soon as you try to eliminate a thought or emotion you make it stronger.
• Emotions are not a choice. Behaviour is.
• You are not your thoughts and feelings.
• What matters is not the content of your thoughts and feelings but your relationship with your thoughts and feelings.
  
• The key to resolving this is the practice of acceptance.

Why You Identify So Strongly With Your Feelings

Zen teaching offers us a simple explanation with the two minds model:

1. The thinking mind or monkey mind - which runs on autopilot and is constantly spewing out a stream of thoughts some connected and many seemingly unconnected. It is impossible to turn this mind off. It just is what it is and it does what it does.
2. The witnessing mind or observing mind - which watches and observes the mental noise of the thinking mind and the ebb and flow of our emotional responses to the events that take place in our lives - which can be likened to a ferris wheel of suffering.

Mark Manson explains this very well in an article called The Two Minds and he outlines very lucidly how we make the mistake of identifying with our thinking mind by saying "I am angry" rather than saying  "I feel anger".

Practical Actions Steps

This is a simple yet extremely powerful mindfulness practise that will release you from the powerful hold of these negative emotions and free you to respond in life in a more flexible way.

Just sit quietly for a moment, take a deep breath and observe the feelings and emotions and thoughts that are associated with your fears.

Follow these brief and simple steps and your negative feelings will disappear, and you will feel calm, centred and ready to do what you need to do.

Do not be deceived by the simplicity of these steps, they are very powerful. They work.

If you feel any kind of resistance to doing this - just do it anyway and see what happens.

Recommended Reading

Drop The Story - How To Deal With Your Demons and Transform Your Life

Who Is In Charge Of Your Brain - How Not To Be Stupid

Framing - Change Your Language To Change How You Feel

Law Of Response And Outcome - A New Approach To A New Life

This Too Shall Pass - The Blessing And The Curse Of Impermanence

Immunity To Change - This Is Why Personal Change Is So Difficult

Freeing Yourself From Your Mind - 6 Key Practices From Eckhart Tolle

Belief - A Terrible Tyrant Or An Empowering Servant

The Transforming Power Of Acceptance - I Accept What I Am Feeling Now

Return from: "Dealing With Setbacks" to: Walking The Talk

Contact me