How Do I Change And Why Is It So Hard?
We Would Rather Die Than Change, And We Usually Do
So How Do I Change?
How do I change? What do I have to do?
Well firstly, you have got to want to!
Reading this will not change you.
Doing as I have done, and spending years and $1000’s on books and courses and materials won’t change you.
To change you have to do some work on yourself, test and experiment and engage with change processes.
You have to be prepared to let go of old ways of being, thinking and behaving.
Most articles you read on personal change will at this point encourage you and make it sound so possible and so easy.
My take on all this is to be honest and practical with you. Whilst personal change is of course possible, it is not easy because there are several powerful factors working against you.
In my experience, the vast majority of people who say they want to change don’t change.
Most people reading this won’t change because they don’t really want to change.
They may on the surface, consciously, believe that they want to change, but there are at least 3 powerful forces at work that will likely undermine you.
Unless you are aware of these forces and know how to deal with them, you will not succeed and you will remain the same as the vast majority of the human race.
Most of us are so attached to how we are, at an unconscious level we feel safe with how we are, even when it so obviously isn’t working.
The 3 Fundamental Obstacles To Personal Change
[1] The Knowing Doing Gap
Your failure to achieve a personal change goal isn't a lack of willpower.
Your failure to change is the result of an unconscious "immunity to change", also know as resistance.
It's purpose is to help protect you from the negative impacts of personal change such as disappointment and shame.
Your resistance to an answer to the "how do I change question" is caused by a hidden commitment, with an underlying root cause, that competes and conflicts with your stated commitment to change.
Put simply, it is these hidden commitments that cause us to not keep New Year resolutions, to fail with diets, to not stop smoking etc.
This is also referred to as the "Knowing Doing Gap", and this is:
"The gap between our intentions, things we actually want to carry out, and what we are actually able to do." [Kegan - "Immunity to Change"].
Kegan cites a dramatic and poignant illustration of the "knowing doing" gap based or recent research in the US healthcare sector:
"If you look at people who are prescribed maintenance medications, people who should take, for example, a statin drug for the rest of their lives to control blood pressure or high cholesterol and stay alive, you would assume 100pc of these people would do so, wouldn’t you?
It turns out that research carried out here in Massachusetts shows that anywhere from between a third to a half of all Americans on maintenance medications, who understand why they’re on them, don’t take them after a year."
Even more dramatically:
"Another study showed that if heart doctors tell their seriously at-risk heart patients they will literally die if they don’t change their lifestyle, only one in seven, on average, is actually able to make the changes..."
"These are the kind of stark reminders which show us that the usual explanations for why people don’t make changes are pretty weak..."
How to resolve the knowing doing gap?
The process is very simple - and very powerful for its simplicity - and is based around a four-column exercise.
- Set a goal you want to achieve
- List & review your obstructive behaviours
- Confront your competing commitment
- Challenge your big assumptions
Full and extensive resources here.
[2] Your Lizard Brain Sabotages You
The knowing doing gap is a software explanation for your resistance to personal change.
However there is also a hardware explanation.
We are walking around with the same hardware as our Paleolithic ancestors.
As Nassim Taleb succinctly put it:
“Our minds are not quite designed to understand how the world works, but, rather, to get out of trouble rapidly and have progeny."
98% of our thinking is unconscious, automatic and impulsive.
This thinking uses our mammalian brain which is all about emotions and is driven by our reptilian brain which is focused on survival.
The fundamental problem is that we are hardwired to survive and reproduce.
Why?
Because this is the function and purpose of our amygdala otherwise known as "The
Lizard Brain" which is responsible for our instinctive drives.
As Seth Godwin pithily expressed it:
"The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry and horny"!
The lizard brain doesn't think reflectively it reacts automatically to what it sees in front of it.
Professor William Irvine gives an overview of evolutionary psychology and the development of thinking systems in our brain:
As a result of all these evolutionary developments there are two systems in your brain which are constantly in conflict for control of your behaviour and actions.
In "Thinking Fast And Slow", based on the work of Daniel Khaneman, you will find provide practical solutions as to what you can do about it.
[3] Your Life Doesn't Depend On It
Put very simply, what do you want out of life? What is your core desire?
Unless your desire to change is greater than your powerful and deep-seated desire to keep things as they are, then I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but it isn't going to happen!
Your good intentions are going to end up in the waste bin alongside a lifetime's failed resolutions to change.
A powerful metaphor for finding your core desire is provided by the story
of the Zen master who was repeatedly asked by a very devout and seeking
student:
"Master, what does it take for me to reach enlightenment?"
The Zen master ignored the student. She asked again and was ignored. Eventually she said:
"Master, please tell me, what must I do to reach enlightenment?"
The Zen master grabbed the student by the scruff of the neck and held her head under water in a nearby water trough.
30 seconds later he pulled the student's head up and then immediately plunged her head back under water.
This
process repeated a few times until eventually the Zen master relented -
whereupon he said to the gasping half drowned student:
"When you seek Zen as you now seek air - THEN you will find it."
So, I ask you:
"Why do you ask 'How do I change?' ...why do you want to change?"
So, to be clear, your core desire is that thing you want so badly that you
will do or become whatever it takes to get it, no matter how hard it
is or what the risk or expense is.
Here are 3 proven key steps to accurately identify your core desire.
Next Article: Your Inner Map Of Reality
Return from "How Do I Change" to: How To Change Your Life
LATEST ARTICLES
How Do I Change And Why Is It So Hard?
We Would Rather Die Than Change, And We Usually Do In my experience, the vast majority of people who say they want to change don’t change. Most people reading this won’t change because they don’t real…The Illusion Of A Separate Self - Windows 11 With Self Awareness!
Beyond the content of your mind you are so much more than you think you are. When we talk of "myself" this is the conventional way of referring to our self image which is in fact the ego's constructio…Finite And Infinite Games - Dazed, Confused & Ultimately Transcendent
This is not an instruction manual, it is a wake up call!
Over this past week I have read Professor James Carse's highly regarded "Finite And Infinite Games - A Vision Of Life As Play And Possibility"…The Gap And The Gain - How Your Brain Sabotages Your Happiness
How Your Lizard Brain Sabotages Your Happiness We are hardwired to measure our progress in any and all areas of life where we have goals and aspirations. We can't not do it. But what we measure and ho…How To Wake Up - 4 Simple Practices To Help You Wake Up Now
So What Exactly Does It Mean to Wake Up - What Is "Enlightenment"? There is nothing magical, mystical or mysterious about waking up we’re actually having glimpses of enlightenment all the time. Enligh…Situational Communication - Different Strokes For Different Folks
Situational communication is about taking account of 3 often ignored factors about the other person. You are a situational communicator when you recognise that effective communication is not an event…How To Influence Without Authority - 6 Key Tips
The secret to how to influence without authority is that you get what you really want by giving other people what they really want. We live in an interconnected world and knowing how to influence with…Change Questions To Change Your Outcomes
Asking The Right Questions Is Critical For A Successful Change. Every time we initiate a significant change - whether in our personal life or in an organisation - we will most likely over-estimate our…Group Culture - The Invisible Software That Rules Your Life
Group culture is: "How we do things round here". We like to see ourselves as free agents making our own choices and living authentically but the reality is that The Matrix has many layers and we are u…Why Getting From A to B Is Not Aways A Straight Line
In circumstances of significant change, the progress from A to B will not be in a straight line. We run our lives largely on auto-pilot. In most circumstances your experience of getting from A to B is…The Art Of Persuasion Planning For Success - Here's How To Do It!
To be successful in the art of persuasion you must ensure that certain things happen. To be successful in the art of persuasion you must establish a framework of what has to happen to get you to that…The Art Of Persuasion Advanced Communication Skills - Gaining Buyin
Create The Environment Where They Want To Buyin to Your Proposal In order to build the win-win you have to uncover what it is that the other person really wants or needs, and to do that you have to as…The Art Of Persuasion The One Fundamental Principle - Create A Win-Win
The art of persuasion is based on the simple idea that you get what you want by enabling the other party to get what they want. Being a nice friendly person with good inter-personal skills may be a go…Communication Persuasion And Change - Key Skills To Survive & Succeed
It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those who are most responsive to change, the most persuasive, and the best communicators. We are living in an age of unprecedented ch…The Eisenhower Box - What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent
What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent And What Is Urgent Is Seldom Important. The Eisenhower Box is a time management and decision-making model devised by President Dwight Eisenhower to help him prioriti…Zen Enlightenment [Satori] - The Stink Of Zen
Lost In Our Delusions About Enlightenment. There is something in human nature - a desire to glamorise, sanctify, objectify and idolise – that elevates people who have offered deep insights to the huma…5 Zen Mindsets For Mastery - In Any Area Of Your Life
The Wisdom Of A Person Who Masters In Any Art Is Reflected In Their Every Attitude. The state and quality of your mind has a very large bearing on the quality of your performance in any area of life t…Dealing With The Toxicity Of Online Dating - 6 Key Tips From A Clinical Psychologist
Toxicity Is The Price Tag Of Accessibility. In the early days of online dating, users were vetted and had to go through a registration process and agree to comply with a code of conduct designed to en…Why Understanding Ergodicity Is Critical To Your Long Term Survival
How Not To Be Fooled By Randomness. Ergodicity is an ugly word from the world of mathematics. It is an umbrella term for two sets of conditions of probability and outcome. These two conditions form th…Dealing With Imposter Syndrome - Ego Is The Enemy
How You Frame A Situation Has A Profound Impact On How You Respond To It Emotionally. Imposter syndrome is a psycho-emotional experience of a fear of being found out as incompetent despite ongoing evi…The Challenges Of The Road Less Traveled
Issues You'll Face When Playing The Long Game. The challenges of the road less traveled is loosely based around the phrase popularised by M.Scott Peck with his book "The Road Less Traveled". This arti…How To Benefit From the Unseen Margins - 5 Key Tips For Success
These Unseen Margins Can Have A Very Dramatic Impact On Your Life. To understand how to benefit from the unseen margins we need to start by understanding what they are and where we find them. In this…The Art Of Thinking Clearly - How To Do More Than Just Survive And Reproduce
3 Key Tips The art of thinking clearly starts with the sobering realisation that our brains are designed to achieve two things: Survival and Reproduction! 98% of our thinking is unconscious, automatic…Algorithms to Live By - 5 Useful Rules Of Thumb
5 Useful Heuristics From Algorithms To Live By The thesis of the book "Algorithms to Live By" is that algorithms developed for computers can be used by people in everyday life in a wide range of situa…Finding Signal In The Noise - How To Avoid The Noise Bottleneck
The Art Of Being Wise Is The Art Of Knowing What To Overlook. We are blessed and cursed to live in the digital age. We have access to more information than we can possibly handle yet we struggle to fi…The Checklist Manifesto - Your Personal Safety Net
A Checklist Is A Safety Net That Encourages Better Results And Prevents Avoidable Mistakes. The volume and complexity of what we know has exceeded our individual ability to deliver its benefits correc…How Not To Be Stupid - 4 Key Tips
How To Avoid The 7 Causes Of Everyday Stupidity. We are all capable of everyday stupidity as we undertake routine tasks in our business and working lives and also in our personal lives. This is not ab…Beginners Mind And The Voice Of Experience
Only The Experts Survived Evolution.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few." These are the famous words of Shunryu Suzuki in "Zen Mind, Beginner's Min…The Art Of Being Alone Is A Skill
Let's Make Today A Good Day. You may not have chosen the condition of being alone, and it may have been imposed upon you by circumstances beyond your control, but your response to the situation is wit…Intuition & Anxiety - Are There Angels Or Devils Calling Here?
How To Tell The Difference Between Intuition and Anxiety. How do you know whether the voice of your intuition is real or just the product of your inner anxiety? We all struggle with these inner voices…