The Stories We Tell Ourselves
The Stories That We Tell Ourselves Are A Matter Of Choice.
"All The Things She Said, Running Through My Head..."
Why The Stories We Tell Ourselves?
The stories we tell ourselves are our way of trying to find meaning in what so often feel likes a random, chaotic and meaningless universe.
As you might expect, psychologists have developed a theory about this and it is known as narrative theory - which attempts to show how people construct their identities through storytelling.
Regardless of the theories, the basic human compulsion to tell stories is as old as the human race. In practical terms we are hardwired to tell stories.
The stories we tell ourselves are emotionally driven and very largely reactive to events and situations. They are a form of self talk.
Late last evening I received a message from a business contact telling me that a proposal I had submitted had been rejected by his client. I was annoyed because it quickly became obvious to me that he had not read the full document I sent him and he had overlooked the 3 alternative options which I gave him, and which would have caused the buyer to take us more seriously.
I was also annoyed because I had worked hard for several months to get this guy on board and, based on past experience with other products, he seemed to be very competent.
A story formed itself very quickly in my head of the utter futility of what I am doing in my business and a feeling of deep despair and discouragement.
This narrative kept me awake last night until about 4am this morning when I reminded myself of an important truth: "You are not your thoughts".
The purpose of this article is to take a practical look at ways in which we can harness and refocus the stories that we tell ourselves in ways that are most beneficial to our well being and most resourceful for achieving the most positive outcomes in our lives.
The foundation of this is to learn how to manage and mitigate the self-limiting and self-damaging effects of unfiltered self-talk.
The first key lesson is to understand that:
Living With Your Thoughts
Learning how to live with your thoughts is an important skill because:
- The stories we tell ourselves form the backcloth and the tapestry of our lives.
- These narratives shape and define our sense of self and how and where we see ourselves fitting into the bigger picture of the circumstances of our life.
- The stories that we tell ourselves also form the lens through which we interpret life.
- The effect of this is that we tend to see what we expect to see and life can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Framing Your Thoughts
This process is known as framing and is about communication and how you create meaning in your
communications with others, and more
importantly in your internal communication with yourself.
In terms of how we can harness and refocus our self talk framing
is a critical component.
It is important because the framing process is about how you define context, make associations, establish reference
points and emotional touch points all designed and positioned to convey
the sense and meaning that you want to convey to others or, in this context, yourself.
The effect of framing in your self talk matters enormously because if you change your language - if you change what you say and how you say it - you change how you feel; and this in turn affects your results in the outcomes that you experience in your life.
Returning to the anecdote I shared above: as soon as I reminded myself that I am not my thoughts and that I have a choice about the story I told myself, I consciously made a choice to drop the whining, self-pitying story and to reframe and change the voice behind the story to a more empowering perspective of hope and positivity.
The Source Of The Stories We Tell Ourselves
There are 3 interconnected sources of the stories that we tell ourselves.
The first two are covered in: understanding your thoughts.
1. The hardware - the physiology that creates these thoughts, and this is centred on the amygdala, a major emotional centre in the limbic system. This is responsible for our flight / fight response.
These
thoughts are non-rational and largely driven by survival instincts and
pleasure instincts - sometimes referred to as our "animal nature".
2. The software - the conditioning from our primary caregivers and dominant adult figures in our childhood that creates these thoughts.
This is a vast subject and there are many psychological models and interventions used to address and "repair" this conditioning.
The third source and the voice for the stories that we tell ourselves is:
3. The selves - when you refer to "myself" you are not referring to one singular entity but a very complex amalgam of many different aspects of your self sometimes referred to as the "internal family of selves" -also known as "sub-personalities".
The term "self dialogue" can be used in a general sense to describe an internal conversation within yourself between these different elements or perspectives within your mind.
The Transcendent Voice
In their unfiltered state many - if not most - of the voices that express the stories that we tell ourselves will be negative and these will be ego based and thus by definition self-serving. These are the voices that will undermine you.
There is one voice that transcends all other voices and that is the voice of the higher self.
Choose this voice.
This is the voice to listen to.
This is the voice that will empower you.
The Truth Of The Stories We Tell Ourselves
The truth of the stories we tell ourselves is subjective, it is whatever we want it to be.
- What matters is the energy - the dominant underlying emotion - behind the story.
- It is that energy that will be stored in our mind.
- It is that energy that will form the lens through which we interpret the events of that story and all future similar events.
- The stories that we tell ourselves are a matter of choice.
- Understand and use the power of framing.
- Choose the voice of your higher self.
- A story in the voice of your higher self, framed with a positive energy of inspiration, creativity and power transcends the limited, self-serving voices of your egoic self.
Next Article:
Return from "The Stories We Tell Ourselves" to: Walking The Talk
LATEST ARTICLES
Like A Prayer - Life Is A Mystery
It Isn't The Process Of Prayer That’s The Problem, It’s The Way It’s Framed. Regardless of what we feel about Madonna or her song the topic of prayer often arouses strong reactions. Usually, it is som…How Things Really Are - The Inbuilt Design Flaws
Chaos, Disorder And Decay Is The Natural Order Of Things. Nobody has the perfect life. We all struggle and strive to attain health, wealth and personal happiness. Yet these three big areas: our health…Intuition Or Anxiety - Are There Angels Or Devils Crawling Here?
How To Tell The Difference Between Intuition and Anxiety. How do you know whether the voice of your intuition is real or just the product of your inner anxiety? Several months ago I was having a drink…What Is Truth - How To Tell A Partial Truth From The Whole Truth?
How the truth and nothing but the truth is often not the whole truth. My great aunty Flo broke her arm and died. It is true that she broke her arm in 1923. It is also true that she died in 1949. But t…Duality And Life Beyond Your Thinking Mind
Duality and life beyond your thinking mind focuses on the limitations of time, foreground and background, duality and "stuckness". The first aspect of duality and life beyond your thinking mind focuse…The Conscious Mind Is Limited - Be Aware And Be Prepared
Being aware is the first stage of being prepared. The conscious mind is limited in so many ways. There are some who would argue that there is no such thing as conscious thought and that it is represen…Your Inner Map Of Reality - Here's Why You Think The Way You Do
The big picture of how your inner map of reality creates your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. Your inner map of reality is based on the filters of your own ethnic, national, social, family and rel…The Failure Of Cancel Culture - Suppression Not Engagement
Why we need to wear our beliefs lightly and develop negative capability. Throughout history people have campaigned to fight beliefs, ideologies, and injustices that they perceived to be oppressive, di…4 Big Reasons Why We Get Stuck In Our Attempts At Personal Change
Most People Spend Their Entire Life Imprisoned Within The Confines Of Their Own Thoughts. This first of the 4 big reasons why we get stuck is, in my view, the most important. The "self-help industry…How Do I Change And Why Is It So Hard?
We Would Rather Die Than Change, And We Usually Do In my experience, the vast majority of people who say they want to change don’t change. Most people reading this won’t change because they don’t real…The Illusion Of A Separate Self - Windows 11 With Self Awareness!
Beyond the content of your mind you are so much more than you think you are. When we talk of "myself" this is the conventional way of referring to our self image which is in fact the ego's constructio…Finite And Infinite Games - Dazed, Confused & Ultimately Transcendent
This is not an instruction manual, it is a wake up call!
Over this past week I have read Professor James Carse's highly regarded "Finite And Infinite Games - A Vision Of Life As Play And Possibility"…The Gap And The Gain - How Your Brain Sabotages Your Happiness
How Your Lizard Brain Sabotages Your Happiness We are hardwired to measure our progress in any and all areas of life where we have goals and aspirations. We can't not do it. But what we measure and ho…How To Wake Up - 4 Simple Practices To Help You Wake Up Now
So What Exactly Does It Mean to Wake Up - What Is "Enlightenment"? There is nothing magical, mystical or mysterious about waking up we’re actually having glimpses of enlightenment all the time. Enligh…Situational Communication - Different Strokes For Different Folks
Situational communication is about taking account of 3 often ignored factors about the other person. You are a situational communicator when you recognise that effective communication is not an event…How To Influence Without Authority - 6 Key Tips
The secret to how to influence without authority is that you get what you really want by giving other people what they really want. We live in an interconnected world and knowing how to influence with…Change Questions To Change Your Outcomes
Asking The Right Questions Is Critical For A Successful Change. Every time we initiate a significant change - whether in our personal life or in an organisation - we will most likely over-estimate our…Group Culture - The Invisible Software That Rules Your Life
Group culture is: "How we do things round here". We like to see ourselves as free agents making our own choices and living authentically but the reality is that The Matrix has many layers and we are u…Why Getting From A to B Is Not Aways A Straight Line
In circumstances of significant change, the progress from A to B will not be in a straight line. We run our lives largely on auto-pilot. In most circumstances your experience of getting from A to B is…The Art Of Persuasion Planning For Success - Here's How To Do It!
To be successful in the art of persuasion you must ensure that certain things happen. To be successful in the art of persuasion you must establish a framework of what has to happen to get you to that…The Art Of Persuasion Advanced Communication Skills - Gaining Buyin
Create The Environment Where They Want To Buyin to Your Proposal In order to build the win-win you have to uncover what it is that the other person really wants or needs, and to do that you have to as…The Art Of Persuasion The One Fundamental Principle - Create A Win-Win
The art of persuasion is based on the simple idea that you get what you want by enabling the other party to get what they want. Being a nice friendly person with good inter-personal skills may be a go…Communication Persuasion And Change - Key Skills To Survive & Succeed
It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those who are most responsive to change, the most persuasive, and the best communicators. We are living in an age of unprecedented ch…The Eisenhower Box - What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent
What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent And What Is Urgent Is Seldom Important. The Eisenhower Box is a time management and decision-making model devised by President Dwight Eisenhower to help him prioriti…Zen Enlightenment [Satori] - The Stink Of Zen
Lost In Our Delusions About Enlightenment. There is something in human nature - a desire to glamorise, sanctify, objectify and idolise – that elevates people who have offered deep insights to the huma…5 Zen Mindsets For Mastery - In Any Area Of Your Life
The Wisdom Of A Person Who Masters In Any Art Is Reflected In Their Every Attitude. The state and quality of your mind has a very large bearing on the quality of your performance in any area of life t…Dealing With The Toxicity Of Online Dating - 6 Key Tips From A Clinical Psychologist
Toxicity Is The Price Tag Of Accessibility. In the early days of online dating, users were vetted and had to go through a registration process and agree to comply with a code of conduct designed to en…Why Understanding Ergodicity Is Critical To Your Long Term Survival
How Not To Be Fooled By Randomness. Ergodicity is an ugly word from the world of mathematics. It is an umbrella term for two sets of conditions of probability and outcome. These two conditions form th…Dealing With Imposter Syndrome - Ego Is The Enemy
How You Frame A Situation Has A Profound Impact On How You Respond To It Emotionally. Imposter syndrome is a psycho-emotional experience of a fear of being found out as incompetent despite ongoing evi…The Challenges Of The Road Less Traveled
Issues You'll Face When Playing The Long Game. The challenges of the road less traveled is loosely based around the phrase popularised by M.Scott Peck with his book "The Road Less Traveled". This arti…