Nobody has the perfect life. This is how things really are. This is the nature of things.
We all struggle and strive to attain health, wealth and personal happiness. Yet these three big areas: our health, our wealth and our relationships are where we all get hung out to dry – sooner or later.
Charmed lives
I say "sooner or later" because there have been many people I have known and whose lives I have been able to observe, from within the context of normal social interaction, and who really did seem to "have it all".
In some cases I went through periods of feeling quite envious of these folk who led – or appeared to lead – such charmed lives.
Yet over a period of time – usually five to ten years but sometimes quite a lot longer - what I have noticed is that even those seemingly special ones who lead such apparent charmed lives were in fact nursing secret and private difficulties and unexpected tragedies – fractured family relationships, deaths, serious illness, sudden illness, business failure, redundancy, money problems etc.
I too have been severely tested in some of these areas.
It is as though there is an inbuilt design flaw that ensures that we all suffer at some point - one way or another.
Often, in these situations, we find ourselves going through a transition as we try to deal with the personal impacts of imposed change.
Here are some empowering resources for when you feel lost and stuck in a period of transition.
The Buddhist perspective
In the Buddhist perspective, "seeing things as they are" [Sanskrit yatha-bhutam darshanam] basically means to see that all human experience is stamped by three characteristics:
This is how things really are.
As we become aware of these characteristics our point of focus shifts away from the content of our experiences and toward their structure.
To see how things really are is to become conscious of our unconscious assumptions about ourselves and our world, and to bring them into the light of full consciousness, and to notice how, on close inspection, these assumptions often contradict our actual experience.
Wanting reality to be different than it is, is like trying to teach a cat to bark.
You suffer every time you believe a thought that argues with what is.
When your mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what you want.
If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.
You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, “Meow.”
Wanting reality to be different than it is - is hopeless.
And yet, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that you think thoughts like this dozens of times a day:
These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is.
If you think that this sounds depressing, you’re right.
Much of the stress that you feel is caused by arguing with what is.
The Stoics referred to this as "the dichotomy of control".
Modern psychologists refer to an “internal locus of control” and an “external locus of control.”
What this basically means is that if you have internal locus of control you will most likely believe that you are responsible for most of what happens in your life.
The consequence of this is that your response to events determines the outcomes you experience.
You focus on what you could do better or what you can influence in pursuing your goals.
Whereas, if you have an external locus of control you will tend to blame others
for your problems, find excuses to not pursue your goals, and
generally live a frustrated and unfulfilled life.
Evidence show that if you have an internal
locus of control there is greater likelihood of you being happier, less anxious,able to make better
decisions and accomplish more of your goals.
This idea has been
around for millennia in various formats. In modern times it is best
known as Reinhold Neibuhr’s “Prayer of Serenity”:
"God, grant
me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change
the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
What I have learned the hard way over
many, many years, and without doubt or reservation, is that we need to
use the leverage of energy - the same energy that creates everything in
the universe – The Energy Of Life.
You may have noticed that some people seem to lead a “charmed life” or have “the Midas touch”. It can appear as though they have an advantage over everyone else.
At
the other end of the spectrum there are so many people who strive so
hard and yet achieve so little for all their effort. This may not seem
fair but in all of my lived and observed experience of life that really
does seem to be how The Energy Of Life works.
That doesn't seem fair does it? But all the evidence seems to suggest to me that's the way the universe works.
We
are culturally conditioned and brought up to believe that there is “no
gain without pain” and whilst there is a truth in that, it is not the
whole picture.
What matters is the energetic state applied to all that effort.
Suffering is an integral part of the human condition.
There are times when there is nothing more we can do to alleviate it.
In these circumstances we have two powerful options: we can RESIST it OR we can ACCEPT it.
The power of acceptance is the freedom that it gives you.
Freedom from the tyranny of your thoughts and emotional responses to the events and circumstances of your life.
The transforming power of acceptance is that it:
Acceptance is the foundation stone upon which all personal change is built.
Here is a simple proven practice for practising the power of acceptance.
Next Article: I Did It MY Way
Return "How Things Really Are" to: How To Change Your Life
LATEST ARTICLES
How Do I Change And Why Is It So Hard?
We Would Rather Die Than Change, And We Usually Do In my experience, the vast majority of people who say they want to change don’t change. Most people reading this won’t change because they don’t real…
The Illusion Of A Separate Self - Windows 11 With Self Awareness!
Beyond the content of your mind you are so much more than you think you are. When we talk of "myself" this is the conventional way of referring to our self image which is in fact the ego's constructio…
Finite And Infinite Games - Dazed, Confused & Ultimately Transcendent
This is not an instruction manual, it is a wake up call!
Over this past week I have read Professor James Carse's highly regarded "Finite And Infinite Games - A Vision Of Life As Play And Possibility"…
The Gap And The Gain - How Your Brain Sabotages Your Happiness
How Your Lizard Brain Sabotages Your Happiness We are hardwired to measure our progress in any and all areas of life where we have goals and aspirations. We can't not do it. But what we measure and ho…
How To Wake Up - 4 Simple Practices To Help You Wake Up Now
So What Exactly Does It Mean to Wake Up - What Is "Enlightenment"? There is nothing magical, mystical or mysterious about waking up we’re actually having glimpses of enlightenment all the time. Enligh…
Situational Communication - Different Strokes For Different Folks
Situational communication is about taking account of 3 often ignored factors about the other person. You are a situational communicator when you recognise that effective communication is not an event…
How To Influence Without Authority - 6 Key Tips
The secret to how to influence without authority is that you get what you really want by giving other people what they really want. We live in an interconnected world and knowing how to influence with…
Change Questions To Change Your Outcomes
Asking The Right Questions Is Critical For A Successful Change. Every time we initiate a significant change - whether in our personal life or in an organisation - we will most likely over-estimate our…
Group Culture - The Invisible Software That Rules Your Life
Group culture is: "How we do things round here". We like to see ourselves as free agents making our own choices and living authentically but the reality is that The Matrix has many layers and we are u…
Why Getting From A to B Is Not Aways A Straight Line
In circumstances of significant change, the progress from A to B will not be in a straight line. We run our lives largely on auto-pilot. In most circumstances your experience of getting from A to B is…
The Art Of Persuasion Planning For Success - Here's How To Do It!
To be successful in the art of persuasion you must ensure that certain things happen. To be successful in the art of persuasion you must establish a framework of what has to happen to get you to that…
The Art Of Persuasion Advanced Communication Skills - Gaining Buyin
Create The Environment Where They Want To Buyin to Your Proposal In order to build the win-win you have to uncover what it is that the other person really wants or needs, and to do that you have to as…
The Art Of Persuasion The One Fundamental Principle - Create A Win-Win
The art of persuasion is based on the simple idea that you get what you want by enabling the other party to get what they want. Being a nice friendly person with good inter-personal skills may be a go…
Communication Persuasion And Change - Key Skills To Survive & Succeed
It's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those who are most responsive to change, the most persuasive, and the best communicators. We are living in an age of unprecedented ch…
The Eisenhower Box - What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent
What Is Important Is Seldom Urgent And What Is Urgent Is Seldom Important. The Eisenhower Box is a time management and decision-making model devised by President Dwight Eisenhower to help him prioriti…
Zen Enlightenment [Satori] - The Stink Of Zen
Lost In Our Delusions About Enlightenment. There is something in human nature - a desire to glamorise, sanctify, objectify and idolise – that elevates people who have offered deep insights to the huma…
5 Zen Mindsets For Mastery - In Any Area Of Your Life
The Wisdom Of A Person Who Masters In Any Art Is Reflected In Their Every Attitude. The state and quality of your mind has a very large bearing on the quality of your performance in any area of life t…
Dealing With The Toxicity Of Online Dating - 6 Key Tips From A Clinical Psychologist
Toxicity Is The Price Tag Of Accessibility. In the early days of online dating, users were vetted and had to go through a registration process and agree to comply with a code of conduct designed to en…
Why Understanding Ergodicity Is Critical To Your Long Term Survival
How Not To Be Fooled By Randomness. Ergodicity is an ugly word from the world of mathematics. It is an umbrella term for two sets of conditions of probability and outcome. These two conditions form th…
Dealing With Imposter Syndrome - Ego Is The Enemy
How You Frame A Situation Has A Profound Impact On How You Respond To It Emotionally. Imposter syndrome is a psycho-emotional experience of a fear of being found out as incompetent despite ongoing evi…
The Challenges Of The Road Less Traveled
Issues You'll Face When Playing The Long Game. The challenges of the road less traveled is loosely based around the phrase popularised by M.Scott Peck with his book "The Road Less Traveled". This arti…
How To Benefit From the Unseen Margins - 5 Key Tips For Success
These Unseen Margins Can Have A Very Dramatic Impact On Your Life. To understand how to benefit from the unseen margins we need to start by understanding what they are and where we find them. In this…
The Art Of Thinking Clearly - How To Do More Than Just Survive And Reproduce
3 Key Tips The art of thinking clearly starts with the sobering realisation that our brains are designed to achieve two things: Survival and Reproduction! 98% of our thinking is unconscious, automatic…
Algorithms to Live By - 5 Useful Rules Of Thumb
5 Useful Heuristics From Algorithms To Live By The thesis of the book "Algorithms to Live By" is that algorithms developed for computers can be used by people in everyday life in a wide range of situa…
Finding Signal In The Noise - How To Avoid The Noise Bottleneck
The Art Of Being Wise Is The Art Of Knowing What To Overlook. We are blessed and cursed to live in the digital age. We have access to more information than we can possibly handle yet we struggle to fi…
The Checklist Manifesto - Your Personal Safety Net
A Checklist Is A Safety Net That Encourages Better Results And Prevents Avoidable Mistakes. The volume and complexity of what we know has exceeded our individual ability to deliver its benefits correc…
How Not To Be Stupid - 4 Key Tips
How To Avoid The 7 Causes Of Everyday Stupidity. We are all capable of everyday stupidity as we undertake routine tasks in our business and working lives and also in our personal lives. This is not ab…
Beginners Mind And The Voice Of Experience
Only The Experts Survived Evolution.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few." These are the famous words of Shunryu Suzuki in "Zen Mind, Beginner's Min…
The Art Of Being Alone Is A Skill
Let's Make Today A Good Day. You may not have chosen the condition of being alone, and it may have been imposed upon you by circumstances beyond your control, but your response to the situation is wit…
Intuition & Anxiety - Are There Angels Or Devils Calling Here?
How To Tell The Difference Between Intuition and Anxiety. How do you know whether the voice of your intuition is real or just the product of your inner anxiety? We all struggle with these inner voices…